Christian Courtship may be defined as a mutual commitment made between a Christian brother and a sister to meet regularly for the purpose of getting to know each other better and seeking God’s will with the aim of marriage one day if His divine will permits. We should include here that there should be a clear understanding that if the courtship does not work out, both persons are to be mature enough to part as friends without resentment and with all due respect for each other’s feelings. Let us discuss some practical concerns for a healthy Christian courtship.
When courtship is properly done, it can build a strong foundation for the marriage thereby positioning the marriage for success.
1. It is wise to consider courtship only at a time when you are ready to get married, so that you do not lead people to sin by giving them false hope. Courtship is serious business and not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.
2. There is no point courting someone you will not marry. You must only go into courtship with someone you have seen sign from God to choose as a life partner. This however does not translate into an automatic marriage ticket.
3. One of the aims of courtship is to be certain that God has fully approved your relationship and that both of you are compatible. In courtship you have to be able to confirm this as it will prove valuable to you in marriage.
4. Be deliberate about praying and finding out God’s will (purpose) for the new family you are about to start. Learn more about each other in areas of communication, spiritual convictions, working life, church ministry and family background. Learn to understand each other’s personal likes, differences and preferences. Be clear about the character and interests of him/her. Ask good questions about each other’s convictions, values, aspirations and other pertinent matters to prepare yourselves for marriage.
5. Meet the siblings and parents of the other side in due time and have a strong and vibrant relationship with them as well. Families often observe what you cannot see. More so, since they will always influence your marriage either directly or indirectly, you have the opportunity to observe them too. However, you must be able to discern the right observation from the family members to be sure it is not out of ungodly selfish interests.
6. Emotional intimacy: Guard your feelings. Do not lose your head and fall into sin. Allow your relationship to grow naturally before sharing (dumping) all your secrets with your partner. Some people have had to regret this when the courtship did not eventually lead to marriage. Focus on knowing each other first.
7. Physical intimacy: Work with each other to agree on the limits and boundaries upfront and ensure you stick to them. There is no point drawing a boundary that will not be respected.
8. Kissing and hugging: It is advisable you save the kiss till you get married. Kissing can spark up romantic flames that may lead to many other things. Hugging is an expression of love to some people but it should also be done with moderation. Do not deceive yourselves that it is alright to do this or that since “we love each other and are already committed to be married anyway.” Not all courtships lead to marriage.
9. Be deliberate about where and when to spend time together. Avoid late nights or spending time in lonely places.
10. Exercise self-control in your passion towards each other; be determined to keep yourselves pure for marriage (Hebrew 13:4). Keep scandal at bay, do not give room for people to assume that you are having sexual relationship with your partner. Scandals can ruin your credibility and integrity.
11. Be accountable to each other and to a mentor; develop a list of guidelines for your courtship to keep you on the right path.
12. Consider submitting yourself to a true mature Christian with great marriage to advise and guide you. Be willing and teachable; seek parental guidance and advice from your church leaders (i.e. pastors, elders and deacons). Freely interact with godly and successful married couples and observe their Christian marriage lifestyle and family life.
13. Dress modestly for dates. 1Peter 3:3 – 4. Do not wear plunging necklines, mini- skirts and tempting/sensuous attires that will not be edifying but rather hinder healthy relationships. Avoid unedifying movies, videos, worldly magazines or unwholesome jokes or books that may cause you to stumble. 2Timothy 2:22.
14. Create time to fast, pray individually and together with your partner. Pray often together for loved ones and the church. Life is spiritual, the spiritual controls the physical.
15. Be willing to relate and fellowship with others in group setting; bearing in mind that you are to set a positive example as a Christian courting couple. Equip yourselves with adequate understanding of Christian courtship & marriage through reading the Bible and other wholesome Christian literature.
16. Prepare and plan to have a reasonable courtship of at least six to twelve months or more. (it is difficult to know someone well in a short time e.g. two to three months except in rare cases when there is clear instruction from God). Do not be influenced by the worldly system of infidelity and a one-night-stand syndrome. That which grows slowly, endures.
17. Ensure you are active in church; this will also help you observe your prospective partner’s areas of passion and how he/she behaves in group settings. Serve God together in church (e. g fellowship groups, home-based Bible study groups, Vacation Bible School, etc.) in preparation to serve God as a married couple one day. Learn to complement each other as a ministry team.
18. Have regular Bible studies together. Share what you have learnt from the Lord in your personal devotions, reading of Christian books or Sunday sermons.
19. Keep your courtship and relationship strictly out of the social media, keep it private and don’t fall for the trap of “if you truly love me and I am the only one, show me to the world”. You don’t need the needless and unnecessary exposure to pressure, distraction and danger.
2O. Read these Bible verses together and pray together at any available opportunity. 1Corinthians 6:19 – 20, Romans 12:1 – 2, Hebrews 10:24 – 26, Ephesians 5:3, Galatians 5:16 – 19.
Hope you find this helpful. May God give you the grace to go through this crucial and sensitive period in purity.
